It’s just crazy to think that this month
represents 12 months since we started trying to conceive, and in another 12 months,
who knows where we will be?! Will I be pregnant, or will we have a child or will
we still be TTC and trying to find help with it?
I decided to write this post to
talk about how I'm feeling right now, 12 months in and not even a hint of a
positive HPT and to maybe show other people that they’re not alone if they feel
the same or similar.
For the last few months I’ve honestly
been trying not to think about it too much. Before beginning this journey I
never considered that we might have to think about IVF or IUI as an option for
us (especially IVF). I really thought it would just happen naturally, and admittedly,
months before now. Still, and I’m not
really sure why, I just have this feeling that while it might take meds, it
will happen for us and that having a child is just something that is in our future.
I look up videos that talk about
how it felt to "finally" be pregnant in an attempt try and channel
their positive feelings and to try and imagine how it will finally feel for us.
Most videos seem to be posted after people have finally got their BFP and it's
rare to see ones posted in the middle of it and trying for that first child so
admittedly I struggle to find someone who I truly relate to. I'm sure
that's because people don't think others want to read those negative posts, or
watch those sad videos, but also because it's hard to admit how vulnerable you
are and to really analyse how you're feeling when you're trying very hard to remain
positive.
DTD for the first time knowing that
we were unprotected, and attempting to make a child… that right there was just
mind blowing. I was filled with some many different emotions; happy and
positive, but also a little scared and nervous. Finally pulling that trigger
(so to speak) and realising that we’re on the cusp of a whole new chapter of
our life together. First there was love, then there was marriage and now we’re
working on bringing the baby carriage...
The first cycle out of the gate we
put our all into it. I was taking pre-natal vitamins, doing OPK's and checking
BBT. I was feeling really positive, because, after all, it's drummed into you
that no birth control = pregnancy. I was utterly convinced that we had been
successful that first month because I had nausea, bloating and heartburn etc.
I knew that period symptoms are often the same as pregnancy symptoms but it
didn’t make me any less surprised when my period started, I was just SO
convinced!
As the months passed I started to
learn more about the process… how there are only about 3 fertile days per cycle
with a 20% chance and that it’s “normal” for it to take, on average, 12 months
to conceive. I learnt more about IVF, IUI, AI, herbal supplements and
medications than I thought I’d ever need to know about. I also found out
that it's perfectly normal to skip 2 cycles per year. While I personally haven’t
skipped a cycle in the last 12 months (I did skip one in October prior to TTC),
I did have 2 cycles where I was about 2 weeks late. When it happened the first
time I read so much information online that said sometimes people don't get
positive urine tests despite being pregnant so I had a blood test done and of
course it was negative. The second time I didn't bother with a blood test and
decided to wait until the next time my period was due... it only took 2 weeks.
In August I decided to have some
hormones checked, including my thyroid as well as having an ultrasound to check
my egg reserve. Thankfully, my tests came back normal but I did find myself
hoping that they would find something small (and treatable with just a tablet)
wrong… something to explain why there's been nothing and not even a hint of a
something.
So lately I try and think positive
and wonder what I'll be like when I'm pregnant (see… optimist!). Will I be
"crazy" hormonal? Will I get bad morning sickness? Will my belly get big
out front or out to the side (the latter is how my mother carried me)? Will I
have hip issues? C-section or natural labor? And of course I can’t forget the
standard “I wonder what the baby will look like” thoughts. My husband and I are
both brunette’s with blonde siblings. We both have hazel eyes but I have brown
eyes in my family… it’s fun to predict J
I imagine what it'll be like to get
that BFP... and I try and remain positive. I imagine how I’d make the
announcement to our friends/family, whether I’d call my husband at work, go
into work like normal or call in sick? Could I keep it quiet for the “standard 12
weeks"?... probably not! I'd probably end up telling at least couple of
people who already know we're TTC. In fact, I actually have a list of people I
need to tell and my approximate method/timeframe of telling them. There are
some people I’d have to tell last because once they knew, everyone will know.
So, here I am, currently 4DPO in our
12th month of TTC and if we "fail" this cycle we'll continue
with fertility testing next year (I still need to check progesterone and husband
has his sperm test) and hopefully start a round of clomid to encourage
ovulation.
Hopefully I’ll be back sooner
rather than later updating with my “how I knew I was pregnant” story. But if
not, I’ll be back at some point to continue the stories of the journey.
Shorthand:
AI - artificial insemination
BBT - basal body temperature - in
my case, orally
BFP - big fat positive, i.e.
positive pregnancy test
CD - cycle day
Cycle - A cycle is counted from the
first day of your period until the day before your period starts again
(typically around 28 days, mine is more like 32)
DTD - doing the deed, i.e.
"sex"
FB - Facebook
HPT - home pregnancy test
IUI - intra uterine insemination
IVF- in vitro fertilisation
OPK - ovulation predictor kit
OV - ovulation
Rod - Implanon birth control rod
TTC - trying to conceive
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