Sunday, August 7, 2016

Baby Bomb

MARCH 7, 2016

DH and I have been TTC since Jan 2015, and it's not the first time someone I know has announced they're pregnant or had a baby, but this is the first time that it's really hurt.

The person I heard it from is a long time friend from my home country. She and I chat (type) a couple of times a month via an app on our phones so I knew she and her DH were TTC and she knows we've been TTC (but not that we have now started fertility treatment)... but I never considered she'd get pregnant first.

I never thought about them TTC (why would I, that would be odd), but I now realise that in the back of my mind I just expected it would take her a while, just like it's taking us a while.

I think perhaps the way she told me, the callous manner (I'm sure that's just how I took it), is why it's hit me so hard. We last spoke a couple of weeks ago and today she simply said "How's things" and when I replied with "same old same old" she just blurted out "I actually have news..... I'm pregnant and Baby X is due in September". I said congratulations of course, but that's all. We continued to talk and at least she never asked after our TTC but... I just cried.

Why is my body failing me? I know I'm having a bit of a teenage strop about it but it's just not fair! I could go into every other mean and spiteful thing that's running through my head about her husband and their relationship... but I know those negative thoughts are simply jealousy. I would hate for her to know that's how I feel about it. I feel terrible for not being as happy for her as I know I should be, but I'm just not ready.

I think in truth I've noticed our friendship changing a lot and I think this will drive a bigger wedge between us.

Anyway, I don't think I really wanted anything from this except to write down how I'm feeling so anyone else feeling this way knows they're not alone. It doesn't make us bad people, it makes us human. I just try and remember other people's lifestyle choices are not mine. Their reproductive choices do not affect mine, and just because someone else is pregnant doesn't mean I won't ever be or can't be. It doesn't mean I'm less deserving of a baby... not that that helps that immediate feeling of failure, but I hope to get there eventually.